8 Hateful Things Women Do to Each Other
By Norka Blackman- Richards
After the article “8 Hateful Things Women Do To Each Other”, was published on our site in 2006, quite a few women wrote re-telling their horror stories of hateful things other women had done to them. Betrayal, envy, put downs, disrespect, and just plain female mean ran deep in every story. The only difference was the geographical location of each incident, but the perpetrators and their victims were all the same: women. At the end of her note one woman posed these provocative questions: “Will we ever really get along? Can women end this cycle of hatefulness?”
The truth is that for so long we have competed against each other for men, clothes, hair, the corner office, that we’ve come to see female meanness or relational aggression between women as normal. But it is not. Something is wrong with a culture where women spend hundreds of dollars consuming magazines that publish articles and stories on how to trap a man, how to keep him happy in bed, or how to please him. If that were not enough we are psyched from young to believe that our only life’s mission is to keep men pleased by whatever means possible.
Any good therapist will tell you that you can’t change what you don’t confront. This means that we first need to call “mean” by its real name. That’s what that article intended to do. But, now that we know how mean looks and how it manifests itself, we also need to ask the following question: Are women just naturally mean to each other?
Yet, we place so very little interest in learning how to care for, nurture and encourage each other as women. If women are by nature nurturers, then why has it become more socially natural for women to nurture men and children, but not each other? Because of this ambiguity women have to now re-learn, or perhaps teach themselves how to nurture other women. The only way in which women can break the cycle of mean among women, is by making a conscious effort to nurture other women.
The only way in which women can break the cycle of mean among women, is by making a conscious effort to nurture other women. 
The female cycle of mean or relational aggression among women does not have to be perpetual. When individual women begin to commit to change, female meanness can be purged from our relationships.
There are three basic principles to break the cycle. We must first stop seeing every other woman as our rival. This world is big enough for all of us to be our individual selves and still live in it peacefully. Second, we also need to create and join sisterhood circles, not cliques but safe places where women are free to unburden and be real. Third and most importantly, we must make conscious choices to replace mean with nice, kind, compassionate, and empathetic. This means that in our choices and practices we need to begin: respecting, uplifting and encouraging each other. We can apply this third principle in the following ways:
Respecting – We need to be mindful about not crossing any boundaries that might interfere in another woman’s territory - particularly when it comes to men. Our mantra should become: “I will not do to her what I would not like her to do to me”. This means that you cannot be best friends with her husband or boyfriend and expect her not to be unhappy about it. She will be, and must be, unhappy because you are disrespecting her boundaries. It doesn’t matter how harmless you and him may insist that it is, and how insecure you claim her to be, every woman who has ever betrayed another woman with her man will tell you that it all starts with innocent flirtation.
Uplifting– We need to choose to uplift women as opposed to tear down women. We will live by the motto; “If she is a woman she is my sister - even if she does not want to be mine.” This means that we must be careful about how quickly we pass judgment about other women. We need to watch what we say about her, or what we allow to be said about her in our presence and her absence. This calls for honesty, a quality that often lacks "big time" in female relationships. If something about her attitude bothers us then we need to be honest and address it with her. We must put an end to the game: “I’ll tell Shana to tell Lara so that her sister Joanna – whom we really intend the message for – may know”. Gossiping and spreading rumors about the downfalls of other women gives us a false sense of power. It is false because life is uncertain and we might find ourselves in similar if not exact same circumstances.
Encouraging - We need to stop finding flaws, defects, and blemishes in the successes and accomplishments of other women. There seems to always be a woman who can add a “but” when she hears that another woman is doing well in life, business or love. It’s a subtle put down that women use all the time. Or we often resort to censuring silence, and we totally ignore her achievement. We might go as far as to greet and talk to her about everything else except her current accomplishment - although it has already made all the headlines in our social circle. Withholding or negating applause is also another form of put down. Practice offering accolades when and where they are due. Make an intentional effort - to send her an email, buy her a card, go to her personally - just encourage her endeavors. It will not take anything away from you, it will not lower you, in fact it will only set you on a higher path to restoring and creating positive relationships with other women.
Read: 4realwomen.com - 8 Hateful Things Women Do To Each Other
Norka Blackman-Richards is a member of the National Association of Women Writers. She is a college lecturer, writer, full-time minister’s wife, and a sought-after motivational speaker for women. The founder of 4realwomen.com & 4realwomen.com/espanol, Norka is also the president of 4 Real Women International, Inc.
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